Ew! Children Are Gross

Sometimes when you are a parent you run into some really gross situations, which often involve some type of bodily function. I cannot tell you how many times as a mom I have been used as a personal tissue and or napkin. Despite all of my efforts to try and teach these children of mine that this just isn’t the correct usage of my sleeve and or shirttail, they still continued to do so.

Throughout my 15 years as a parent, I have had some pretty gross thing happen with my kids, from sicknesses to just kids being kids. I am going to do a series on this and from time to time will share with you all some gross stories about parenting, because let’s face it, it isn’t all rainbows and sprinkles, is it? Sometimes its poop, boogers, and slime… yes slime.

I never will forget when my son was about two years old [I won’t say which one 😉 ] He decided that he was going to be anti-diaper, this caused a bunch of issues at bedtime. We were in the beginning stages of potty training so that could have had a lot to do with it too. Well, one night this little imp of a child decided while it was bedtime, that he was going to disrobe himself completely. At the time his crib was in my room, he was the lightest sleeper of all the children and sometimes needed extra attention to go to sleep, he also got up the earliest, every morning like clockwork at 5 am. Anyway, he had decided that while he was now in full naked glory that it would be the prime time to poop… YAY me… I was sound asleep and woke up to not only giggling but the horrific smell of poopie wafting through my bedroom. I laid there for a few moments, hoping it was just a poopy diaper and that I could get a few more minutes of sleep. And then I heard another giggle, this time he had stood up in the crib and was bouncing up and down. ” MOMMA! Mom! Momma! Mommieeeeeee” He was calling me in that sweet little two-year-old voice of his.

‘Alright, Alright. ‘ I thought to myself as I pulled my head away from my pillow and sat up. I reached for the lamp that was near my bed and turned on the light, and that is when the horror of the situation really hit me for the first time.  “Oh come on! Son, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?!”  I placed my hand on my forehead and just sat there assessing the whole scene for a moment while he continued to bounce up and down, he was giggling and smiling, I suppose he was proud of the situation he had created. I stared there in a half sleep induced haze, trying to decide what I should do first. I was taking a mental note of it all and making a list of what all had to be done, I glance over at the clock and sigh… 1:30 am. I slowly get up off the bed and walk closer to my son… This is when I truly see how bad it really is. My child had decided in his nakedness after he pooped, to fingerpaint with it… I kid you not.  There was poop on the wall behind the crib in lovely little-swirled patterns, there was poop on the inside of the crib rails, on the sheets, on the other wall, on the mattress, and of course, there was poop all over my son. “Man you look like you had fun. Mommy will be right back, I am going to make you a bath.”

My bathroom was connected to my bedroom at the time, so I closed the hall door that leads out of the bathroom, so as not to wake the other children. I turned on the water and warmed it up, the whole time I can hear my son hopping up and down in the crib, he is now signing a song to himself, still proud of what he had done. I shake my head and splash some water on my face, gather up towels and soap to wash this child of mine off. Put everything where I can reach it and then take a deep breath before heading back into my room. “Alright come here you stinker!” I smile at him and try to figure out how not to get poop all over me too. He puts his arms up in the air ready for liftoff, I slide my hands under the one part that seems to be untouched by the poopie, his armpits. I lift him up and hold him at arm’s length away. He giggles because now he thinks we are playing airplane, I go with it. I fly him to the bathroom and make a crashing noise as I land him in the water. “OH, NO CRASH LANDING!” I say in my playful sing-song voice, he giggles once more and is happy there are bubbles in the bathtub.

I wash him from head to toe, I carefully make sure not to get any of the poop in his eyes as I wash it out of his hair… “Gracious, you poop monster!” I say as I finish up his bath. I grab the towels and pull him up out of the water. “What am I going to do with you?” I ask as I kiss his now clean cheek I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and proceed to dry him off when he looks at me with those big blue eyes and says, “I lubs you, momma!” Awes! “I love you too you stinker!” I finish drying him off and sit him on the edge of the countertop to brush his hair out.  I slide a pull up on him after I am done with his hair and ask “Wanna lay in Mommie’s bed while I clean yours?” I ask him as I pick him back up and place him on my hip. He yawns and shakes his head yes. I open the door to my bedroom and the smell smacks me in the face again, I forgot how bad it was, just for a moment.

I lay him down on my bed and he snuggles up in the middle, I grab his fave blankie, which thankful he had tossed out of the bed before making poop art, and hand it to him. He pulls his blanket up and covers his head with it. His little round belly poking out from under it and his chubby little legs all pink and clean from the bath. He looked like a little snuggle bunny all curled up.. and then I looked back at the mess at the other side of the room. Now… where do I start with cleaning this up?!

I stare at it, thinking about another plan of attack and wishing I was asleep. ‘I wonder if I can crawl into bed with him and just go back to sleep’… I thought to myself… ‘Ugh, nope… It smells too much.” I walk over to my CD player and put in Mozart, it happened to be one of my son’s favorite relaxing CDs. I push play and then walk over to the crib. I lower the rails carefully. I pick up the mattress corner and pull the remaining crib sheet off of it. I roll it in a bundle and put it on a towel which I had brought in from the bathroom. I grab the blanket he had tossed at the foot of the bed and roll it up just like I did the crib sheet. At this point, I am trying so hard not to gag. The smell is horrible… ‘What did I feed you?!’ I cough and then gag.

I glance over my shoulder to check on my son who is now sound asleep in the middle of my bed with his little bottom straight up in the air, his head tilted to one side and his thumb in his mouth, clutching his blankie in his other arm. It is such a sweet and peaceful sight to look at and reminds me not to be mad about all the poop. I gather up all the bedding and put it in a pile, I quietly walk down the steps to the kitchen and put the soiled things in the washer. I grab a bucket, some cleaning products, and a sponge and make my way back up the stairs. I wash down the walls, the mattress, and the crib, making sure to get it all cleaned up. I go into the bathroom when I am finished and proceed to scrub out the tub, rinse out the bucket and then drain them both. I stand there for a moment after it is all over, staring at myself in the mirror. My hair falling down from its messy bun, the lines under my eyes, and then I hear a small little giggle from my bedroom … which was followed by a loud fart. I press my forehead against the mirror and laugh… ‘Please, tell me he is sleep farting and not naked again.’ I slowly pull my forehead off the mirror, leaving a print on it. I ever so quietly and carefully peek into my bedroom. Thankfully he was sleeping and farting, he still had on his pull up and was now snoring. With a sigh of relief, I make a bath for myself, feeling rather gross now that I had been elbow deep in poop for the last hour.

I take a much-needed bath, dry off, and go back into my bedroom to find some clean PJ’s to put on. Gathering up my dirty clothes and towels, I take them downstairs and start the load in the washer. I turn around and there is my son standing in the hallway and he smiles at me so sweetly then says. “Mommy I poop!” I smack my hand to my forehead and just laugh, as this time, it was in the pull up which is now dangling from his hand. I rush over to him and pick him up. I take the pull up and see it is all still in there. THANK GOODNESS! I toss the pull up in the trash and then I put him on the changing table. I wipe him off and put a fresh pull up on him. I grab a button up PJ set my mother had modified for us and proceed to put it on him backward, so the snaps are in the back. I pick him up and kiss him on the forehead. “Let’s see you get out of that buddy!” I smile and make my way back upstairs. I put him in bed with me and he snuggles up, he falls back to sleep with his hands in my hair. I sigh as I look at the clock again… 4:30 am. I cross my fingers and hope the other two sleep in some this morning. I close my eyes and go back to sleep almost instantly.

And to my luck and surprise, we slept in just a little bit that morning, we managed to make it till 6:30 instead of 5 am. I woke up got the morning going and went about my day. It would be a few months before my son decided that the anti-diaper campaign was working and he made it all the way into big boy pants shortly after that.

What are some of your gross parenting stories? Feel free to comment below and tell me about it, send it in via a message on the contact page, or you can even send it to our facebook page. A few lucky people will have their story shared in our next Ew! Children are gross post 🙂

Until next time

U.M.

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